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Some of the Most Hilarious Online Dating Profiles - Must Hate Cider . Guff

The Most Persuasive Tinder Profiles Ever

It's a question that's been asked since time immemorial: Could a woman create an online dating profile "so loathsome that no man would message it"? Cracked 's crack investigative reporter Alli Reed decided to solve the "omnipervet paradox" once and for all by going on OKCupid and posting what she firmly believed was the "worst online dating profile ever. Her thesis: There did indeed exist a woman "so awful, so toxic, so irredeemably unlikeable that no one would message her, or if they did, at least they would realize they never, ever wanted to meet her. In creating her profile for "AaronCarterFan," Reed used the real photo of her model friend Rae to entice gentlemen callers. But that was exactly where AaronCarterFan's attractiveness ended and her repugnant personality began. Her self-summary was the infamous "if u cant handle me at my worst u dont deserve me at my best"; the thing she was really good at was "convincing people im pregnat lol"; and under "favorite books, movies, shows, music, and food," AaronCarterFan wrote "soooooo glad their making another Grown Ups. AaronCarterFan would get over messages by the time the experiment concluded.

Connect to your existing Cracked account if you have one or create a new Cracked username. As a child of the Internet and confirmed weirdo, imagine my relief when they finally took that last bastion of in-person awkwardness - dating - to my laptop instead.

I've been using one of the major dating sites, OkCupid, on and off for about five years now. While it has its perks, being a woman on a dating site means immersing yourself in a disgusting cesspool of exposed nerves, unfiltered testosterone, and daily propositions to engage in sex acts so horrifying, I hadn't even heard of them before, and I'm from the Internet. I got the feeling that a lot of men on that site would message literally any woman who had a profile, but the optimist in me wanted to believe that there was a limit.

Maybe there was a woman so awful, so toxic, so irredeemably unlikeable that no one would message her, or if they did, at least they would realize they never, ever wanted to meet her. So I made the OkCupid profile of the Worst Woman on Earth, hoping to prove that there exists an online dating profile so loathsome that no man would message it.

In making this profile, I made sure my creation touched on every major facet of being truly horrible: mean, spoiled, lazy, racist, manipulative, and willfully ignorant, and I threw in a little gold digging just for funzies. I maintain that there is not a human on this planet who would read this profile and think, "Yes, I'd like to spend any amount of the fleeting time I'm given on my journey around the sun getting to know this person. Look on my works, ye mighty, and despair:. My wonderful friend Rae agreed to let me use some of her Facebook photos for this profile.

Only that last bit is relevant here, I guess. I figured any profile with photos of a beautiful woman would get a few messages from men whose boners were willing to overlook her personality.

The captions on her photos were just as draped in red flags as her profile was, so there's no way they were totally clueless as to how awful she is, but sure, I figured, maybe she'd get a couple of messages a day from people with especially low reading comprehension. OK, I thought, pouring myself a stiff drink as I prepared to sift through these messages from actual, living men with functioning central nervous systems.

Maybe none of them read her profile, or maybe they thought that she was fun-crazy instead of actually-ruin-your-life crazy. I just had to convince them that she was the latter. My new goal was to get these men to stop messaging her back.

wheel gets the

I was going to make AaronCarterFan come across as so abhorrent that not even the kinds of dudes who comment on YouPorn videos would respond to her.

Want to guess how well that worked? I'll give you a hint: I'm confiscating everyone's penis until further notice. In trying to convince these men that they're better than this, my first strategy was to just say horrible shit.

These messages are natural extensions of her profile, confirmation that you do not, I repeat, do not want to know this woman. OK, I get it. These men don't care about her personality; there is no lower limit to how deeply repulsive she can be on the inside, as long as she's hot. It's a bitter pill to swallow, sure, but I guess that's how it is.

But what if meeting her would have clear, lasting consequences? What if there was no such thing as a one-night stand with her? What if the effects of coming into contact with this woman were devastating and permanent?

I'll level with you, readers: This wasn't so much a tactic as it was a result of the mental and emotional toll this social experiment was taking on me. After reading messages from men who apparently had just slapped their semi-erect penis on their keyboard a few times and pressed "send," my already flimsy grasp on reality was loosening. Preparing response strategies and putting words into a coherent order wasn't an option for me anymore, so I decided to turn that into its own strategy.

I'd tried mean-crazy, I'd tried life-destroying-crazy; I might as well try crazy-crazy.

Worst female dating profiles

There are any number of cynical conclusions I could draw from the results of this experiment. For example, I could extrapolate from my data that men have been so deeply socialized to value women solely on their appearance that many of them seem unable to take any other ct of who she is, such as intelligence or capacity for self-reflection or suffocating douchiness, into account.

Or I could follow my first instinct as these messages began to roll in, which was to invest in a high-quality chastity belt and start collecting cats. But rather than follow these results into the darkness, I'll stay optimistic and instead offer an impassioned plea. Men of the world: You are better than this. I know many of you would never message AaronCarterFan, but many of you would, and a whole bunch of you did. You're better than that.

There are women and men out there who are smart, and kind, and challenging, and honest, and a lot of other really positive adjectives. You don't want someone who will pull out your teeth and then sue you for child support; you deserve someone who will make you want to be better than you are, and will want to be better because of you.

You deserve happiness, and love, and adventure.

Men Share The Worst Phrases In Women's Dating Profiles - AskReddit

Be brave. But WAIT! I live by myself, I pay my own rent, I wear socks that match and I love my mom. I do stunt work. Have you ever seen it in a movie when a hot actor has to reveal his naked ass?

On a typical Tuesday night I am: Trying to figure out the major and minor products when 1-bromopropene reacts with potassium tert-butoxide. Either that or partying like a rock star. The most private thing I am willing to admit: I wear a special cologne.

May 29, †∑ Some dating profiles are long and rich with content and intrigue, which is excellent. But some people arenít interested in length, both as consumers of dating profiles and as the writer of the profile. If youíre more of a funny, obscure person, be true Author: Jessica Tholmer. Not only will a good dating profile attract men to you, but a good dating profile will also prompt men to message you first. The 3 most important components to an attractive dating profile are your photos, headline, and text. Here are 4 online dating profiles examples to attract men, and some tips to ensure [ ].

It goes back to evolution and the way women are wired. It is more about him being secure with his masculinity and having fun with it at the same time. I do have a bone to pick with his profile, well a few bones. Girls love that! You guessed it, Regular-Yet-Adventurous-Joe fumbled with a few things when it comes to his profile; and can you guess what that is?

count your chickens

Basically I love life and I love living life. I enjoy the outdoors, traveling, restaurants, laughing, go I ng to cultural events, and socia L izing with quality pe O ple. I enjoy being active, healthy and S taying fit. Fa M ily and friends A re impo R tanT to me as well. Rather we chat, talk, engage in conversation to get to know each other instead of us reading through a long page in this section about each other.

Note: The bold letters are an anagram message. This guy has a zest for life and is all about positive energy, so much so, that when you read his profile, it puts you in a good mood. He finds a way of standing out by incorporating an anagram in his profile-very witty and original. Just as a guy can get bored sifting through profiles so does a girl. The more you can incorporate an element that will make you standout, while remaining true to yourself and your personality, the better.

What could that be?

Woman Creates 'Worst Online Dating Profile Ever,' Gets Tons of Replies

Get your online dating approach analyzed to find out! The boldest thing that I have ever done has to do with my first internet date-she lived in Romania and I flew there to meet her I was entirely convinced that she was my soul mate I was young. Anyway it was really a triple whammy on boldness, because of my fear of flying, traveling to a new country solo and first date jitters all rolled into one. What about you? Speaking of dance, I am recently into Salsa, and Tango I plan to become a fantastic dancer for the next time I find myself on an exotic island one night at a Tiki bar somewhere.

They gave me a hard time for dropping out of school and created my own software business. We help non-computer nerds with their online businesses. It is my dream job, no schedule, no boss and I was taught Reiki in Romania, where I lived for two years. Avoided being bitten by vampires, but yes, they do have them there.

I would rather be a rock star then a movie star. My personal theory on music, is that it is just pure, emotional communication, have you ever listened to a song in another language but still understood on an emotional level, what the song was trying to express?

I believe in the law of attraction, weird random events that seem to unlikely to be merely coincidence happen more frequently then they should.

that rocks

I think that thought has an energy which impacts manifest reality and shapes it in very specific ways. Analytical, kinesthetic thinker The spotlight is not my friend. Anti-planner, pro spontaneity.

A shy geek and a smooth operator.

things must pass

He is searching for love and putting himself out there. This guy shares an enduring story of his first attempt at on-line love. He is down-to-earth and romantic yet has a nerdy side. For those of you out there that are good looking and striking out with women-balance is what equals success.

To better understand the importance of combining contrasting qualities check out the dating username guide by clicking here. But now: Here ye, Here ye Knights in Shining Armor, there is something I must inform you about this profileit is off due to a few things. Did you figure out what that might be? Take the quiz for instant enlightenment!

A modern day Arthur Rimbaud, if you will. When will they make male birth control pills? How to make more desserts on the BBQ. If everyone Wang Chungs tonight, what would tomorrow be like? Or the great debate of green vs red Tabasco, do you want the heat or the flavor?

This guy is a walking dichotomy. Most women like the notion of being grabbed hard and kissed soft, and this fellow looks like he can get the job done. He has a whimsical side and women always respond well to that-it allows them to fantasize. There is some stuff going awry. What is that? The Doc breaks it down like Charlie Brown for you when you take that quiz.

This guy does a great job at putting the girl at ease. He starts off his profile by being humorous and even a bit on the mysterious side. Girls fancy mystery as long as the truth gradually comes to light as the relationship progresses.

He also has tapped into his childlike side, which is always an endearing quality. Then I get real hungry. And I eat. A lot. I like public transportation and wandering around cities. I like mountains.

hand washes

Seeing them, climbing them, smelling them. I like the thin air of it all. I also like playing basketball and dancing.

bird catches

Team Sports that involve running are good. I have a neglected string-guitar named Calypso, who now only has They make me nauseous. Wasteland, by Dan Bern, is the best song of the past 15 years live version only. The studio version sounds neutered. You are beautiful, kind, compassionate, intelligent, witty, wonderful, giving, generous, self-assured, modest, humble, outgoing, shy, etc.

Or if you just want to give me something valuable, like eternal wisdom, a free ticket to Paris, or a house. This guy comes off as a solid, down-to-earth, sweet gent with a great sense of humor. But in no way is he a pushover or worse yet, boring.

names, pack-drill It's

When he describes what he enjoys, he does it in a way that the vision is clear. I can see the mountain, the banjo and even taste the bananas. He has stimulated my sense and women appreciate that ability in a man. He brings to light his positive attributes and makes light of his quirky preferences. I want to get to know him, and meet his banjo and guitar insert wink. Hook the reader in without giving away everything-good going Mr. Dash Guy! Details at I love to listen to smooth jazz music as I relax on my back patio.

2. Use High-Quality Photos That Match the Tone of Your Profile

I loooove to sing Luther Vandross songs. Also, I would love to be blessed with the lady of my life. Want to know more???

Maybe there was a woman so awful, so toxic, so irredeemably unlikeable that no one would message her, or if they did, at least they would realize they never, ever wanted to meet her. So I made the OkCupid profile of the Worst Woman on Earth, hoping to prove that there exists an online dating profile so loathsome that no man would message it. Jun 29, †∑ Some of the best dating profiles Iíve seen are profiles where the person opens up about things theyíre passionate about. Maybe itís about her dog or kids, maybe itís her job or a favorite book, sports team, or restaurant-when someone canít help but . Jul 17, †∑ Some of the Most Hilarious Online Dating Profiles Online dating can be hard, but these hilarious profiles will ease your pain. Joseph Porter | Funny Published July 17, Advertisement. Advertisement. Next. Share. Advertisement. Advertisement. Read This Next. 15 Women Revealed Things Men Write On Their Dating Profiles That Are Instant Deal.

Hate playing games??!! Hate being told lies??!! I receive messages frequently but I do respond quickly. A few things important to me: Jesus Christ, God, music, movies, laughter, sex, and peace of mind.

If you win my sweepstakes, you will automatically win a chance to do these things with me as well. He represents the kind of guy that will keep me in stitches and feeling good.

Including your specific sense of humor is important.

Woman Creates 'Worst Online Dating Profile Ever,' Gets Tons of Replies. K. Neetzan Zimmerman. 01/06/14 PM Her self-summary was the infamous "if u cant handle me at my worst u dont. Not sure how to write your online dating profile? These 10 top online dating profile examples will help. Most guys get terrible results online. One reason is because their profile reads like a boring, dating profile shaped turd. Thatís right, D-O-O-K-I-E. the smelly kind. ?? How can you keep this from happening to you? Well-known online dating coach Evan Marc Katz shares in his audio/eBook transcript, "Finding the One Online" of the importance of creating a unique profile which highlights you over the competition. He explains that the goal of writing clever online dating profiles is to .

The eDatingDoc is to the rescue. I love to live an active life and explore. I am very passionate about helping others and I am currently in the process of putting together a fundraiser to raise money for Cystic Fibrosis by climbing Mt. The climb is also being dedicated to one of my patients that I have become very close to who loves adventure and mountains although unfortunately his lung function prevents him from chasing his dreams due to the high altitude.

Old fashioned to a certain degree. I laugh every chance I get. I have a love for the outdoors and anything that involves me being on the water. A challenge. I love movies. Inspirational people. This guy likes to keep things short, and sweet yet what he writes about is compelling.

Showing compassion towards others is a very positive character trait that will win you points with women. Roses are red, violets are blue. Take my Online Dating Analyzer Quiz help with your exact next step. But as far as dating profiles go. A mix of seriousness added in would make these profiles perfect!

These guys have revealed very little about who they are, in a sense. I bet they would be worth meeting!

your friends close

I know the post was a bit long because of the examples so I think you may have skipped several awesome profiles. You say these profiles reveal very little about themselves.

I see a bit of mystery as a good thing, no a great thing. What more do you think they should reveal? You also seem to be implying that if a guy is a serial killer or a bank robber that he is going to list it in his profile. Guys know women are extremely judgemental creatures and will judge everything and anything about a guys profile. We keep ourselves a mystery partly because women like that and partly because we are afraid we might say something about ourselves that will make a woman judge us and never even wish to meet us.

One caveat to this though Dustin is that too many guys are complete pushover pleasers and are scared to mention even the main things they find most important for fear of running off a girl. When I stopped trying to please everyone and learned to communicate my main needs without worrying about who I was going to push away, I started attracting the type of women that I really fit with.

Another issue with playing it safe and trying to cast a wide net is that you force the girl to switch her screening process over to depend more heavily on superficial things like looks, height etc. I definitely agree with you to keep things mysterious but think getting some core things down are better than being super generic.

Not sure how other dating sites do it though.

opera ain't over

Dustin and Mike are spot on. Best to keep things brief. Great profiles! I find most men on match to have redundant and boring profiles, which may or or may not be an indicator of what they will be like in person.

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